


Amnesia

by Fifilarroo



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, Angst, Famous Harry, Fluff, M/M, Normal Louis, YouTuber Harry, idk really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2015-01-04
Packaged: 2018-03-05 05:59:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3108671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fifilarroo/pseuds/Fifilarroo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I remember the day you told me you were leaving<br/>I remember the make up running down your face.</p>
<p>Harry and Louis, childhood sweet hearts. Together forever. Or at least they were before they were torn apart. Louis' dad gets a promotion and they move to America leaving Harry and their past behind. Harry channels his pain into his music wishing he could go back to the days of him and Louis, and maybe he can.</p>
<p>Inspired by amnesia by 5 seconds of summer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Amnesia

**Author's Note:**

> So this is unbetad so all mistakes are my own (There may be a few I did this on my iPod) I'm very relaxed about using capital letters so they may be rare. This has been sitting in my notes for a while unfinished so I just finished it tonight and decided to post it. Be warned it is definitely not great. In fact I think it's quite bad but if you've chanced upon it I hope you enjoy it :*

ＡＭＮＥＳＩＡ

Now.   
I drive down unfamiliar roads with unfamiliar names but everything reminds me of /our/ places, the place we met; primary school, he had glue in his hair and glitter on his face and a smile so bright it could blind a man. The place where I asked him out; fiddling with my fingers under the glow of a street light. The place we had our first date; a simple cafe, he had a panini and a tea and he said "pg tips? what next, Serving cardboard instead of ham sandwiches?" The place we first kissed; the park round the corner, under and oak tree to shelter from the sudden rain. The place we told each other "I love you". 

I thought about our last kiss in the air port, full of desperation, whispered 'I love you's and 'always'. Even when we parted I could feel him lingering. The taste of the tic tacs he eats when he's nervous, the warmth in my cheeks, the tears sliding down my face. 

I park the car. I clamber out into the rain and lock it behind me. I walk down a few streets, my umbrella clutched in my hand but not opening it. I sit on a bench, it's sopping wet but I just can't bring myself to care because I am 100%, completely, utterly ruined. But I'm also 100%, completely, utterly in love with him. 

 

Then.  
I see him running across the street. I open up my arms and he races to embrace me. There's a jolting impact as he hits me, "oomph." He looks up at me bashfully. "Sorry." I'm slightly winded, I look down at him and take a few seconds to catch my breath. "S'ok, I forgive you. Love you." I kiss his temple. "Love you too."  
I am so lucky. 

-:-

"Haz?"   
"Hm?" I look up from where I'm unpacking my school stuff to meet Louis' tearful gaze. "What's the matter hon?" Louis' bottom lip begins to tremble but he seems to steel himself, he speaks softly. "I'm going away for a while." I'm a bit confused. "Where are you going?" My eye brows draw together. He glances down at where his fingers are tangled together, he digs a box of tic tacs out of his pocket and pops one in his mouth. He holds out the box, offering me one. I become more worried. "Lou, where are you going?" The concern on my voice is clear now. Louis voice is just a whisper. "America." I'm still confused, is he going on holiday for a while or something? He elaborates. "My dads been offered a job there, it's only for six months but.." He trails off, a tear slides down his face. 

I wrap my arms around him as he softly cries into my shoulder. "We can make it Lou, easy peasy. D'you know why?"  
"Why?" Louis sniffles.   
"Because I love you." Louis groans but also smiles into my shoulder, I count it as a win. "Cheesy bastard you."

I put a finger under Louis' chin intending to tip up his face so i can kiss him but instead burst out laughing as soon as i see Louis' face. "What?" Louis whines, "that's a bit rude, I'm not that funny looking after I cry." Louis pouts.   
I continue to chuckle. "You are when you're wearing eye make up. Why is that?"  
"It makes my eyes pop." Louis grumbles. 

-:-

"You're sure?"  
"I'm ready." We'd decided yesterday when Louis told me he was moving that before he went we should have sex. I preferred to think of it as making love. It was the first time for both of us. 

I wanted it to be special so I lit all the candles and sprinkled all the rose petals. When Louis walked in his eyes became tearful again so I pulled him close to my chest. "I love you." He whispered. That became our mantra that night as I slowly pushed into him, and then it was just us. Skin on skin, his breath mingled with mine, our hearts beating in time. "I love you."

-:-

I pick up my phone. I want to call him but it's been a month so far and it seems like I always call first, I don't want to scare him off. So I pick up my phone a dial Lottie. 

"Hey lottie." I bite my lip anxiously.   
"Hey haz, haven't spoken to you in a while. What's up?"  
"I uh well... I was wondering how Louis is? I didn't want to seem clingy and call him again because he, well, he hasn't called me so... Just. How is he?" I start nibbling on my finger nails, worried shes going to laugh at me or tell me he's moved on. I don't think I could cope with either of those scenarios. "Um... He, he seems like he's doing ok?" Theres a few seconds of silence before lottie returns, her voice becoming more assured. "Yeah yeah, he's doing fine." And maybe I'm selfish but a little part of me had hoped he was doing as badly as me. 

-:- 

3 months have passed since Lou moved to America, I'm not coping well but at least it's half over. My mum says all these calls to America are too expensive, I told her it was for love and she said "tell the phone company that." So I've decided to write to him instead. I don't know what to write. Finally I decide on something short so as not to seem clingy. 

Hey Lou,   
How's everything going?  
Haven't heard from you in a while, we all miss you.   
I love you.   
Harry x

-:-

About a week later he calls me. I'm bursting with excitement. He's calling me first, he's calling me. I attempt to steady my shaking hands and pick up the phone. "Hello?" My voice sounds unnaturally squeaky and I try to calm myself. "Hey Harry." His voice sounds thick and unsteady.   
"Oh hey." There's a slightly awkward silence.   
"Listen Harry, I've got some bad news..." When he doesn't elaborate I prompt him to continue. "Yeah?" I ask nervously. "Well, I- the company my dads at have offered him a promotion." I'm confused about what the bad news is. "That's great Louis! So what's the bad news?"

He shakily inhales and exhales on the other end. "That is the bad news haz... The promotion means he has a permanent contract now... Here- in America. We're staying in America." I'm frozen, I can't believe that, I... After 4 months of waiting and pining I'm never gonna get him back. "What does this mean for us?" I whisper into the receiver, I here an answering sob. "This is the end for us Harry." No  
"We can make this work Lou!" I try desperately to tell him. "It's only 2 years till you're 18 and then you could move back Lou." I'm grasping at straws but what else are you supposed to grasp when you're falling and there's nothing else to hold on to, a straw's better than thin air. "No Harry, it would be too painful, I-I can't take it Harry, /we/ can't take it. I.. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He hangs up immediately after that and I speak over the dial tone. "I love you" I repeat it and repeat it until I'm screaming, wailing, screeching "I love you." I stop and lie down with my pillow clutched to my chest whispering "I loved you."

-:-

As the weeks pass I watch as his number of friends on Facebook gradually increases. I watch as more photos of him and a boy I don't know appear on his time line. I watch his relationship status go from 'in a relationship with Harry styles.' To 'single' to 'in a relationship with Calum Hood.'

-:-

Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie? Because if what we had was real Lou, how could you be fine?

Because I'm not fine at all.

-:-

Sometimes I think to myself, when 'Calum' tells Louis he loves him does he look at that letter I wrote to him. I wonder if it hurts Louis when someone says 'i love you' that's not me because it hurts me when it's the other way round. 

Sometimes when it really gets to me I look at the pictures he sent to me in his first few weeks. I should delete them but I can't bare the thought of not having them. 

-:-

My phone rings. I've given up on /hoping/ its going to be Louis but the traitorous thought always crosses my mind. It's not him, it's zayn. "Hey zayn."  
"Hey Harry. Where've you been lately? You're coming out less than me haz, the boys are worried."  
"I um... Yeah, I think I might come out soon actually. Any plans?" How was I meant to get over Louis if all I did was hole up in my room and think about Louis? "We're actually going out tonight if you want to join us?"   
"Yeah sure where should I meet you?"  
"Nah, s'fine I'll come round yours. 7ish?"  
"Cool, see you then."  
"Bye."

-:-

Then (A while later.)

To get over Louis I decided I needed to focus on something as well as hanging out with friends. So I channeled it into my music. 

I knew a bit of guitar and I enjoyed singing so why not. I started doing a few covers, posting them on YouTube and then I wrote my first song, it was called half a heart. It was about me and Louis but changed slightly. I couldn't talk about Louis or sing about him directly without crying. That was my first video to make it to the thousands. It had 3527 hits within a few days. 

I did more original songs, some about Louis, some about other parts of my life, some had nothing to do with me at all. I watched as my views and subscribers climbed. 

A month or so after getting to around 4 000 000 subscribers I got some calls about signing with this label or that label or doing a concert here. I didn't really want to sign with anyone but I didn't know how this worked so I decided I had to. I went for one that sounded trust worthy and was smaller than the rest but still had a few people signed that I had heard of. As soon as I said yes to them arrangements were being made; my personal body guard, when i should bring out an album, if I should tour before or after that, posters, stylists, album covers. It was a whirl wind. 

I announced an album, they started promoting my tour across England including a sold out concert at the O2 arena. 

I released the album. It was called can't help who you love, named after the first single I released. As a youtuber I had been in charge of what I let my subscribers know, such as the fact that I was bisexual. As I was already out I couldn't be forced to stay in the closet by any contract or publicity team. The label decided I should try and promote this as much as possible while it was still 'hip and cool', I huffed but if it meant I got to perform to crowds, play my music to people then I wasn't complaining. 

-:-

Now.

I thought of the wishes we made when we were together. Did you even mean them?

Then.

"Shooting star!" I pointed up to the sky in excitement. "Make a wish Lou." Louis rolled over to face me. "That was a fire fly care bear." I pouted and he giggled, he made a wish anyway, his face became soft. "I wish that this could be our forever." He stroked my face and smiled softly. I smiled back. "It can be." We joined hands and rolled on our backs to continue looking for shooting stars to wish on.

Now.

I always thought he was wrong and it /was/ a shooting star, I guess it can't have been because that wish definitely didn't come true. I guess he didn't need it to though. 

-:-

Then (a while later)

After finishing my tour of the UK with a friend i'd met on YouTube, Luke Hemings (he was from Australia, it was his first time in England and I felt happy I was the reason for it), I finally got to go home and relax. 

I hung out with my mates: zayn, Niall, Liam, Ashton, Michael and Luke as he was still in England for a week or two. It was really fun to just be able to hang out with the guys. It was still a bit strange when we'd go out together and some one would ask for a picture or me and Luke's autograph. I tried to be as nice as possible to all my fans, I didn't want to become the new Justin beiber after all, but it was difficult not to snap at them when I was just trying to have a night out with my friends. 

After Luke had left I decided I should stay at home for a while writing for my album. So, when no ideas came to me, I decided to write directly about Louis because our heartbreak was what had driven me to become who I was, even if it hurt. 

So I sat down, and I wrote our story. 

-:-

I released the single, it was called amnesia, it went global. Number 1 in England, Australia and America. Brazil, France, Spain, Italy. Number 2 in places such as Japan, china, holland. 

I released the second album, I called it L. And thus the second year of my life being a singer began the only difference being my age, my album and my /world/ tour. 

-:-

I'm on the first leg of the tour. Still doing the rounds in England. This time I've got my friends supporting, turns out Michael and Niall are pretty good on guitar, Ashton's a great drummer and Liam and Luke are great singers, so's zayn but he says he's not interested in 'the pop star life'. 

Liam and Luke are singing their last note on stage. I'm pumping myself. Forcing myself to get on that stage. This is wembley, this is my biggest gig yet. I'm going to have to rip myself open and show thousands upon thousands of people my heart. I feel sick. Amnesia was fine when I was singing it at home or in the studio or at small gigs but this, this is fucking wembley. 

I'm starting to hyperventilate, the crowd is cheering. There are people asking me what I'm doing? Why am I not in stage? I don't know. I don't know. My stomachs rolling. People are calling to me, is it still the crowd or the team, I'm so confused. There's ringing in my ears. I can feel my heart thudding, it hurts it hurts. The ringing increases in pitch. Or is that me? Am I screaming? Why am I screaming. I can't breathe I can't breathe I can't breathe I can't breathe I can't breathe I can't breathe...

-:-

"Harry?" The voice sounds like its underwater, all garbled and soft. I want the voice to go away, I want to go back to sleep. "Harry?" The wet sounding voice says again. Maybe I am underwater, i do feel a bit damp. And then i feel very damp. When i gasp for breath and open my eyes i discover why, a bucket of water has been poured over me. "What the fuck guys?" Liam answers first.   
"You had a panic attack Harry." Concern knits his eyebrows together. "You vomited all over yourself and fainted. We've made the guys do a couple more songs but the audience is getting bored. What happened Harry?" As Liam speaks, I remember. "I can't do it Li, I can't sing amnesia." Liam looks confused. Harry can hear the cheers and people screaming his name. "Why not?" Liam asks, he hasn't realised, how has he not realised what it's about? How has anyone not realised? Probably because I closed up. "It's about him Li. It's about Lou." And suddenly Liam is hugging me. Whispering to me. "You don't have to, you can tell them it's to personal and emotional or we can say we cut it from the set list because of the hold up." I smile up at him.   
"You're a saint Li."  
"Yeah I know I know now go get on that stage."

So I do and I perform my other songs but not amnesia. 

We announce that I will not be performing amnesia on this tour because of personal reasons. There are questions but I don't really care I just ignore them or say "it's just too personal."

-:- 

Then we're touring the rest of Europe. We get mobbed in holland and have to take shelter in a clothing store. Michael manages to make us all crack a smile by wearing an extravagant bra over his top and then everyone's looking ridiculous prancing around in women's under wear (except zayn, who manages to pull it off.) 

In Italy we go to 'the worlds best pizzeria'. We each get a large pizza but of course Niall and Michael want another slice anyway. Aston and Luke make up a song about it and soon we're all joining in. 

In France we get to climb the Eiffel Tower. We all go in disguises. Niall goes as an old fat man, Liam wears a massive Eskimo coat and a scarf over his face like a skier even though its only autumn. Michael wears a bobble hat, a moustache, a summer scarf, and a fur waist coat accompanied by a womans hand bag. I go for a beret, a black twirly moustache, some ray bans, a fake cigarette, a stripey top, a baguette and the finishing touch to my stereotypical French outfit is a string of garlic around my neck. 

Luke, Ashton and zayn turn up ten minutes late dressed as women. Luke has a long, straight, blonde wig, big, fake hoop ear rings, red lip stick, a black scarf,a leopard print top and skinny, black, high waist jeans. Zayn is in a golden brown wavy wig, bubblegum lipstick, a black vest top, a short black skirt and a leather jacket. Ashton's wearing a gold sequinned tube dress, a pink feather boa with matching lipstick, a curly caramel wig and thigh high leather boots. They all boast of "giving you boys s good time." If you know what I mean. 

We get in the lift and ignore the strange stares and the whispered "high end prostitutes" and "crazy party". Well we try, we may giggle a bit. Then we climb all the hundreds of steps right to the top. 

From up here it's like all my problems are gone, it's like I'm on top of the world and from here it doesn't look so bad, it looks like and adventure. 

-:-

Japan. We are in Japan. It's so strange compared to London. They're similar but Japan is taller, more colourful and filled with a lot more people in dust masks. When I go to the signing there are several groups of people who are dressed, I think, as anime characters. 

In the evening I walk around in a dust mask so no one recognises me and its the first peace and quiet I've got in a long time. I can hear myself think and it's thrilling. It feels so good walking around without body guards. 

At my concert most of the signs are in Japanese so I don't understand them and I'm not sure the audience understands the words I'm singing but they're singing along anyway and it's magical. 

-:-

Then it's china, Australia, Scandinavia, brazil, Mexico, New Mexico and we skip over the USA (saving it for last) heading to Canada. 

Then finally we're heading to New York City and I just have three more concerts. Some how New York feels like home. I'm not sure if its the buildings or the weather or the shops but it does. 

The first concert goes great, I wobble on one of my high notes and hit a wrong note but I laugh it off and it seems like the audience does too. 

That evening I don't bother with a disguise, I just wear a hat and a big collared coat. I find a bench and I sit down and just people watch. It's nice how many different types of people you see. How they all have different bags from where they've been shopping. How they all wear different clothes depending on what they're days been like. How they're all different shapes, sizes and colours. They're so different but they walk together anyway.

-:- 

The next day I go out in the morning and buy myself a bagel, it's cool so I have an excuse to wear a scarf and hat. No one recognises me and its refreshing. I eat my bagel on the way back to the hotel. When I get to my room half of the boys are playing video games and the other half are asleep on my bed. Some of them mumble a quick "hey" but they mainly remain silent. Until Ashton's turns around to face me and sees the half eaten bagel in my hand. "FOOD!" They all turn around and then they suddenly leap towards me. 

We're all in a heap and people are squirming above me in attempt to grab a piece of bagel. There are crumbs everywhere and we're all shrieking with laughter. Eventually I'm left holding nothing and everyone's licking crumbs off their fingers. "Well that was a very filling breakfast." Niall jokes sarcastically. 

I dig around in my bag. "Don't worry boys I brought spares." There's cheers as I throw a bagel at everyone and two for Niall and Michael. We all dig in. Relishing the taste of an authentic New York bagel. 

-:-

The gig that night goes better than the first, I'm a lot more confident and I don't hit any wrong notes. I even pull out some of my legendary dance moves. I grind, I crump, I twerk, I do it all. I'm laughing at myself the whole night but its fun and I love it. The thrill of being on stage is back. I sit on the front of the stage with my legs hanging off the edge. I sing half a heart but slower than usual and everyone turns on the flashlights on their phone and sway them mostly in time with the music. They're all going in different directions and they're all different colours. I join in with my phone and I feel like a part of something. It makes me feel so warm inside. At the end I take a selfie with them all. 

I give my guitar to a member of the team and I walk into the brisk night air. I haven't even bothered with a beanie as a disguise anymore. It's dark, hardly anyone will recognise me and even if they do what's the worst that could happen? I have to give 5 seconds of my time to get a picture. It could be worse. 

I sit on a bench in Central Park. I pull my iPod out of my pocket and unwind my head phones, I slip the ear buds in and let the music surround me. I've selected my night playlist. Night call by London grammar starts playing. The park is quiet but not not quite empty. A man walking with his shoulders hunched over from the cold sits on the bench opposite me. I look away and close my eyes, trying to let the music fill me. 

My music is almost on full volume so I don't hear the sound of the approaching footsteps. I just feel the tap on my shoulder. I blink open my eyes and there he is. 

"Harry?" His eyes are so shocked I almost burst out in hysterical laughter but I'm too shocked. Because it can't be, it can't be him..."Louis?"

-:-

Then  
He was wrapped up in my arms. I was just dozing off when I heard him whisper, "I love you haz, I'll never leave you. Never." I felt the warm press of his lips against my cheek as I slipped in a dream. 

-:-

Now  
There was an awkward silence. Well what would you expect? It's a bit hard to come up with good conversation topics to discuss with the boy that broke your heart, especially when you haven't seen or spoken to him in years. Louis eventually broke the silence. He always was the talker. "So," he clears his throat,"Harry what brings you to New York." I stare at him gobsmacked before i realise I've been asked a question, i manage to stutter something stupid and menial "oh you know, just work." There's another awkward silence that I refuse to break because I'm feeling angry now. Who does Louis think he is? Just strolling back into my life expecting us to make small talk. He broke my heart, left me, got my hopes up and crushed them, he didn't keep in touch. He didn't even try to stay friends. "You know what Louis?" Louis cocked his head in the side as if to say 'what?' "Fuck you!" Louis was obviously shocked, he didn't even gasp his mouth just formed a slight o. "You can't just stroll up to me and make small talk like we're friends, fuck Louis were not even acquaintances. Do you know why? Because you left me, you broke my heart. I was a complete wreck for months Louis, years! And you just come strolling into my life like 'hey how you doing? So fuck off Louis. Fuck. Off." I turned to leave but Louis grabbed my arm. I spun to face him. "What?!" I shouted. "Do you think that was easy for me?!" Louis asked quietly raging. "Of course it was!" I said indignantly. "YOU left! Not me /you/! And then you stopped calling, texting, writing. And then smashed the slim chance we had left if working. In what world was that harder for /you/?! Huh? Go on tell me."

Louis' mouth formed a thin line. "I didn't leave you by choice Harry. My dad got a promotion. I stopped calling because it /hurt/ Harry. I loved you too much. I 'crushed' ,as you so kindly put it , what chance we had because that would be two years more waiting, longing, hoping for something that might never happen. How well do you think I would have done? An 18 year old living alone fending for myself. I would have had nothing Harry, no one." He trailed off at the end, his voice a soft whisper. "You would have had me Louis." I reached up to touch his face but retracted my hand at last minute. Hy hands formed fists. "You would have had me." 

"Louis, you hurt me so much. It hurt so bad that sometimes I wish I could just wake up and have forgotten all the time we spent together, it hurts that much."  
"Amnesia, you wish that you could wake up with amnesia." I was fuming. Now he was quoting my own songs at me. Earlier he hadn't even known why I was in New York. "God I can't believe you. One minutes asking me what brings me here and the next minute quoting my songs at me? I bet you and Calum had a really good laugh listening to all my songs. God I'm such a loser." I started pulling my hair in frustration. "Harry what are you talking about." Louis looked frustrated too but he also somehow looked earnest and it hit me suddenly how much he'd grown. Stubble dusted his jaw, muscles covered his arms and his cheek bones were sharper. It also hit me suddenly how beautiful he looked. That didn't matter though, I was still angry. "You know what Louis? You should come to my show tomorrow. I'll put your name on the list, maybe a plus one so you can bring /Calum/ along. Come to the back entrance. We can 'catch up'" I even did the air commas, god I am such a prick, but then again so is he. "What show Harry, what are you talking about?!" He called after me. I laughed loudly and was proud that only a hint of hysteria came through. "You should Google me Louis. I appear to be famous." I shouted back to him laughing again, I smiled savagely. I twirled rather theatrically to fave the opposite direction and strolled away ignoring whatever he was saying, he could tell me tomorrow.

-:-

When I got back to the hotel I didn't go inside. I got my 'emergency' car keys out of my pocket (they didn't like me to drive) and climbed into the nondescript black car. The smooth leather felt wrong against my skin. I missed the days of worn out nylon seats with the stuffing bursting out of them, cars that smelt vaguely stuffy and used instead of that pristine new car smell, the days when I was just another boy instead of a celebrity. Don't get me wrong, I love and appreciate my job but sometimes it's nice to just remember what life was like before all this. I turn the key into the ignition and pull out into the road. 

After a few minutes someone comes hurtling towards me and only then do i realise Ive been driving on the wrong side of the road. I quickly swerve to the other side, the sound of their horn wailing in my ears. He heart is pounding. I could've died. I almost /died/. Because as much as Im pretending Louis means nothing to me, is nothing but somebody I used to know, he means everything to me. So much so that I almost got myself killed just from thinking about him. I pull up into a parking space and breathe deeply. I realise I'm parked outside a school. A school that reminds if the one where we met. I pull out into the road and every thing I drive past reminds of him. 

Eventually, when the rain must've been hitting the wind shield for a good half hour and the sun must've set more than a while a go, I park the car. I clamber out into the rain and lock it behind me. I walk down a few streets, my umbrella clutched in my hand but not opening it. I sit on a bench, it's sopping wet but I just can't bring myself to care because I am 100%, completely, utterly ruined. But I'm also 100%, completely, utterly in love with him. 

My numb fingers fumble for the phone I know is in my pocket. I shakily press the numbers and listen to the harsh dial tone in my ears. He picks up on the second ring shouting at me, asking me where the hell I am. He keeps shouting and I wait till his voice quietens and becomes resigned. 

"Harry." I let out a soft sob.   
"Help me." I whimper. I sound pathetic even to my own ears but I can't bring myself to bother about something so comparatively small to what's on my mind. "I will Harry. I'll come get you you just have to tell me where you are." He sounds so concerned and worried, I feel so bad. Im such a shit person, I just fuck everything up. "I don't know Paul, I don't know." He explains to me slowly how he needs me to look for something I recognise or a road sign. I spot one and recite it to him slowly, trying to enunciate the words through the sobs that are threatening to burst their way out of my chest and choke me. "Jesus Harry! How long were you driving?" I shrug non committaly and then realise he can't see me. "I don't know." Paul sighs on the other end of the line. "Ok just hold on Harry, well be there soon. Hold on" he hangs up and my phone clatters to the pavement. I sink to the floor with it, pulling my knees up to my chest and circling my arms around them, trying to provide myself the comfort nobody is here to give.

I sit there. The rain pounds against my neck, back, arms, anything exposed. It's like icy needles but I barley register the pain, it's just a dull throb, a tingling sensation spreading across my body. There are no more sobs. I just sit there, staring vacantly at a spot of nothing at all. Eventually a car pulls into my line of vision. The door opens and a broad body wraps a blanket around me and hustles me into the car. I don't remember when I started shivering. 

I am vaguely aware of my phone being picked up and slid back into my pocket and another man slipping into the car that I drove here. My seat belt is done up for me and the hearing is put on full blast. The transition from the freezing cold icicles of rain to the relentless heat of the car is unpleasant to say the least but I embrace the burning hot pain and itchiness that spreads across my body. It is better than the numbness, it reminds me that I'm alive. 

-:-

I am then dragged up to my hotel room and herded into bed. Someone puts me into my pyjamas, I don't know who. The boys all curl up around me and I slowly drift, drift, fall into a deep sleep. 

-:-

When I wake my body is heavy with the weight of other limbs and the sun is piercing my eyes. I huff as I slowly remove the arms and legs covering me and slip into the bathroom. I look into the mirror and am met with the sight of pink, puffy eyes framed by purple bags, pale skin and greasy hair. I splash my face but it does little to improve my appearance. I grumble and go back into my room.

The boys have curled around the spot where I was but all remain asleep. I slowly get dressed. I reach for my wallet and head to the door I open it and it reveals Paul's large figure, blocking my escape. "Morning." I mumble  
"Good morning Harry. Planning on going somewhere are we?" He raises his eye brows and I sigh in defeat. "I guess not." Paul's eyebrows drop just as the corners of his mouth do. "Harry. What's wrong." It's a statement, not a question. "It's just an ex." Paul's face became a mask of surprise. "I didn't know you'd dated anyone. Let alone recently."  
"It wasn't recently. It was 6 years ago." A frown settles in Paul's face as he figures out the numbers. "You would have been 16 Harry."  
"Yeah" I laugh quietly. I think manic laughter has become a thing for me. "I was" Paul suddenly seems to get that this was serious. "Harry I'm so sorry." Another snort from me.   
"Yeah so am I. Paul, can I just go." Paul resignedly agrees. I mumble my thanks and dash out of the hotel before he can say no. 

I sit at the same bench as before. I think about everything. Or at least everything concerning Louis. I hate him. He left me. He didn't even care. He got a boyfriend. He broke my heart. And after all that I STILL FUCKING LOVE HIM!!! God I must be an idiot. After all that I'd still go back to him the second he asked. I'm so messed up. I cradle my head in my palms. I can't believe I asked him to come to the show. 

Wait. 

The show. I could see him again. We could talk properly. We could meet up or something. I'd rather go back to being friends with him than not have him at all. He may not turn up but what was the harm in doing it. I picked up my phone. 

"Paul. Could you put a name on the guest list for me."

-:-

Lou's doing my hair. I can't sit still, I'm too nervous. "Harry, can you stop fidgeting." I mumble an apology but my knee is bouncing again after 10 seconds. She just sighs dejectedly. 

Zayn strolls over, looking like a model as always. "You ready haz?" I nod enthusiastically and Lou sighs again at the mess my hair has now become. "You'll do great mate, good luck." I reach for him as he walks away. "Listen, zayn since its the last one of the tour, would you, could you come on tonight?" I look at him pleadingly. Zayn scowls and I drop my gaze sadly. He sighs (everyone seems to be doing that today) "I suppose I could come up for one song." I practically squeal. "Thank you Zayny, I'll owe you." He rolls his eyes "when do you not owe me Harry." I beam. 

We all group together and set to work giving zayn solos and harmonies. 1 song eventually becomes 2 and 2 becomes 3 and 3 becomes the whole set list. I'm constantly looking around for Louis and I'm nervous, but I'm excited too. 

And then it's time to go on. Louis still isn't here, I try not to be upset, what was the likelihood he would come? So I swallow back tears and walk onto the stage, the screams I'm met with are deafening. 

We sing. Zayn is amazing, the fans love him. They sing along to every word, they dance and scream. We've just finished our penultimate song, last first kiss and we're about to sing half a heart. I'm quickly gulping some water down when I see something move to the side of the stage. It looks like, "louis?" I whisper. In fact I think I may have mouthed his name as the mic picks up nothing. Our eyes meet. I'm filled with so many emotions. Happiness, sadness, anger, relief. I look away. 

I walk over to liam. "I wanna sing it." He turns from where he was chatting with zayn. "Sing what?" He looks into my eyes and he must see something because he just asks, "are you sure?" I nod. He quickly rushes about letting everyone know. The people in charge of lighting are annoyed but decide to just use a simple spot light. And then it's time. 

I glance back to the side of the stage and look into louis' eyes once more before turning to the audience. The first notes plucked on the guitar flow the air and the arena erupts in screams. 

When it reaches the chorus I turn to look at louis, people crane their necks to see who I'm singing to but Louis quickly takes a step back. "I remember the day you told me you were leaving, I remember the make up running down your face." He breaks into a small smile but becomes tearful again as I continue to sing. 

"Cos I'm really not fine at all." The music fades and the lights go up. "Thank you for coming, good night." There are more screams as we all exit the stage. I've just got off stage when I'm pushed into a wall. "What the fuck harry? You had no right to do that." Louis growls. Liam pulled him off me. "Liam stop-" I tried to tell him but it was too late. "How dare /you/ Louis. You broke his heart, ruined him, left him in pieces and now you turn up to his show uninvited and attack him!" He huffed, Louis clenched his jaw. "I'm not uninvited harry asked me to come," he turned back to me, "so he could insult me it turns out." I gritted my teeth in anger. "Can everyone leave please." They all paused, guessing how this could play out, before turning and leaving. Zayn grasped my arm and nodded at me for support before leaving. 

"How dare you talk about me like that harry?!"   
"Like what?"   
"Like I just used you, like I left you and moved on, like what we had meant nothing to me?"  
"How dare I- because that's what happened Louis! You cried when you left and then you stopped calling and you fucking dropped me and then there was Calum to mend your so obviously fucking broken heart." I shouted sarcastically as the pain of remembering bloomed in my chest, I swallowed past the lump in my throat.   
"I didn't call because it hurt you dick! Every time I had to hang up it was like I was being stabbed in the heart, every time I heard your voice it felt like someone was clawing at my chest because I couldn't be there harry! I couldn't be there with you! I broke up with you because I love you too much!" He was crying now, I was still angry and then his words hit me. "Love me. Like, present tense?" He wiped his nose and sniffed, "what?"  
"Present tense."  
"I- well- yeah" he mumbled in an embarrassed matter. His voice hardened, "but I don't see why that would matter now since you obviously hate me." He turned to flee but I grabbed his arm. "I don't hate you. I love you." His eyes opened wide, his mouth formed an o. "What?"  
"I love you."  
"I love you too."  
Our mouths met but the kiss was cut short by louis pulling back. "You're gonna have to write some new songs." Louis pondered, "I mean now that we're together and all." I felt my heart warm at the idea of me and Louis bring together again. "I'll write an album of love songs." 

-:-

"So harry" the interview said, "why have you axed so many songs from your live shows especially amnesia and half a heart, I think all your fans are wondering."  
"Because I don't wish I could wake up with amnesia anymore, I want to remember every single second."


End file.
